I got kicked out of a bar last night… again. Apparently you’re not supposed to go onto the DJ stage and try and mix it up with DJ McDouchenozzle. Listen dude, if you’re gonna play Mo Money Mo Problems, then you’re gonna get a whole lot of Macuga trying to help you be a DJ. Now I blame my actions on Basil Hayden bourbon and about 90 beers at a hockey game, but mostly I blame DJ Hero. Since they put that thing in Best Buy I’ve been a little obsessed. I go out of my way to go to Best Buy, which leads to the question, “Josh why not just buy XBOX360 and DJ Hero and stop going to Best Buy and telling kids to bug off while you’re playing?” 
Well that’s a valid question. To which I will reply, then how will I get kicked out of bars? Now I’m off to Best Buy if anyone would like to join and watch, I said WATCH, me play DJ Hero, you can swing by. I also will be thirsty so, bring me some Fiji water, I said, FIJI WATER, to quench my thirst. I also like blue gatorade, I can’t remember if it is called arctic blast or just blue. So you can bring that too.
boring songs about Earth. Some other parts, like when he tells the camera how to get away with touching little boys, were just weird. I couldn’t believe they included it in the final cut!
just wait. This picture is not Sylvia, but it was a picture of a sylvia on google images I found. Sylvia kind of looks like this woman, but is not her. So… After spending most of my life savings on the couch, I decided I had to get creative for the coffee table. I do not live in a fraternity any longer, unfortunately, but when I did coffee tables reigned supreme! The elusive coffee tables just sat in storage spaces or in a hallway for you to take, or just grazed like water buffalo inhabiting the entire third floor of SAE at Penn State. It was a coffee table Utopia. However, I could not depend on a coffee table left to me by brothers past, I had to go out and find one. Most people would say, “Hey Josh, don’t be a moron, go on craigslist, there’s millions.” Yes I know this jerk-nozzle, but after searching 300 plus posts nobody responded, I even dared to call a few people and nobody, and I mean nobody, called or emailed me back, except one person with a coffee table I didn’t really want. It was pretty much like drunk hookup texting. You text every girl you’ve ever hooked up with and the one girl who you hope doesn’t text back, does, and then, well, you either settle for her or just ignore the text back and play it off in the morning like you passed out… The text might read as such, “oh man, I’m sorry, was so hammered and passed out.” Response might read two ways, “you’re an A**Hole” or “LOL no worries, maybe some other time.” It’s a great hobby. But I was not going to drunk text my way into a coffee table. I couldn’t do that to my apartment, not to Paul Fiore, and not to my COUCH. I owed all of them more. So, I decided I was going to make one. Then I went to Home Depot and after an hour of pricing materials and considering some heartache, I left, realizing that I was not Bob Villa, hell I wasn’t even Tim Taylor and definitely not Jonathan Taylor Thomas. 
Next I started going to thrift stores and 2nd hand stores. After what seemed like an eternity, I walked into a store called, ‘Out of the Closet’, a nifty little play on words if you ask me, as it doubles as a 2nd hand store and a place run totally by gay people. Everyone from Pittsburgh would hate this store. There are many locations for this store, a chain store to the layman, but the one on Fairfax became my Oasis, my Wonderwall, my Champagne Supernover (I spelled it in the british accent) in the sky. I walked in with little hope, desperation even, but left the proud owner of a coffee table fit for kings, beers, glasses of whiskey, it can support a 3-some for sure and fits perfectly into the couch corner. Don’t worry, I called Sylvia to apologize for not buying it at Living Spaces, but she understood. She even offered to bring over some Boston Market to eat on the coffee table and watch old re-runs of 3’s Company, her favorite show. Now, what you’ve all been waiting for, the picture of Sponge Bob Square Table, my new coffee table.
Yeah… no I hated it too. Every girl was all snappy about what she wanted. Thanks Christina, even if you’re from Pittsburgh, shut up. Well girls let me tell you, guys want stuff too. And no it’s not just sex and BJ’s. We want other stuff too. Specifically we want sex and BJ’s, wait… that… sorry blacked out thinking about sex and BJ’s.
I compare this to dating a super hot chick who cheats on you, but you still introduce her to your friends. One of those friends might actually sleep with her, but do not have to spend everyday in her company. So… I put my nose to the grindstone and went shopping with a goal, to find the perfect couch. I had no idea what it would look like, but I knew he lived at a mega super store somewhere in the Valley.
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Poor Nicolas Cage…
Posted in Blog, Boobs, Celebrities, Clothes, Comedy, Debauchery, Douchebags, Drugs/Alcohol, Fake News, Fierce, Film, Freaks, High Brow Commentary, How to advice, L.A., Las Vegas, Minority Report with tags AWESOME!, Nicolas Cage, Kin Cobras, Cars, The Recession on November 5, 2009 by joshmacugaAP/Reuters: Los Angeles, 5 November 2009:
Recently Nicolas Cage, star of such amazing movies as Knowing, Ghost Rider and Bangkok Dangerous has fallen on some hard times financially.
I know it’s a tragedy. The economy is hitting everyone extremely hard these days. The extremely versatile actor best known for ability to turn even the most interesting movie lame, has had to auction off some of his possessions. It’s been said he sold his pair of African King Cobras to a zoo to complete their reptile cage. He’s put his two haunted mansions in New Orleans on the auction block hoping to cash in on the Paranormal Activity bandwagon. He sold his 500K Lamborghini back to the Shah of Iran, and even worse he’s been told he can no longer afford to keep his pet Octopus as Octopus food is getting more and more expensive each year. I’m not sure if anyone remembers, but he did find the world’s most expansive treasure collection in National Treasure. Where the F did all that money go? Nic, my good man, I know you’ll bounce back, just stop buying 300K dinosaur skulls and shrunken heads, they are creepy and won’t get you laid more often… What you should do is get a movie role that doesn’t involve the world somehow ending at the hands of an Asian Gang with nuclear capability. Come on… Matchstick Men, Leaving Las Vegas even Gone in 60 Seconds had some substance. Don’t let people tell you just cause you’re bald you have to do movies that blow. You’re better than this man. Until then, I know a guy who’s in the market for $2,000,000 worth of comic books.
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